


The Lives of the Really Really Ridiculously Good Looking

by yuletide_archivist



Category: Zoolander (2001)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-12-22
Updated: 2004-12-22
Packaged: 2018-01-25 04:58:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,077
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1632728
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yuletide_archivist/pseuds/yuletide_archivist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Written for Miss Pamela</p>
    </blockquote>





	The Lives of the Really Really Ridiculously Good Looking

**Author's Note:**

> Written for Miss Pamela

 

 

Hansel was really, really ridiculously good looking.

That's probably what pissed Derek off the most. Maybe if he weren't so really, really ridiculously good looking, people wouldn't like him so much. But if he weren't good looking, people wouldn't want him to model. Nobody liked ugly models. Models weren't ugly - that's what made them models. So, if Hansel weren't good looking, Derek wouldn't be pissed off. This was confusing.

A lot of things were confusing to Derek lately. For the first time in his life, everything wasn't clear. He remembered how it felt when he was seven, looking at his reflection in his spoon. Then, it had all made sense. He had been given a gift, and he was going to share it with the world.

Only, now, it didn't seem like the world wanted his gift anymore. They were trying to return it and exchange it for another gift and the gift was blond and Derek wasn't blond and so the gifts weren't the same and...Derek shook his head. He was confused again.

But the point was that Hansel was attractive. And Derek knew he was attractive, too. But he had just announced his retirement and...no one seemed to care.

He sat on the couch, looking around the party. As funeral after-parties went, it was a good one. Everyone important was here - he supposed that happened when three famous models died in a freak gasoline fight accident. But Derek was alone. He watched Hansel from across the room with a frown. Hansel wasn't alone. He was the opposite of alone...um. Not alone. And he had a lot of people around him, too.

Derek took a sip from his sour apple martini. He could hear the snippets of conversation. Now that he had retired, everyone was saying that Hansel would be the next top model. Hansel would be everywhere, in every ad and on every runway. As if he already wasn't.

Yeah, Derek hated Hansel and his really-really-ridiculously-good-looking-ness.

*

"So you finally gave up, huh amigo?"

Hansel's voice broke through Derek's thoughts. He looked up at Hansel and scowled. "I didn't give up anything. And I'm not your amigo, Han-sucko."

"Whatever, man. Just thought I'd wish you luck with stuff, bra. You didn't have to quit, though." Hansel gave a cocky grin, the kind that made Derek's stomach clench uncomfortably. "I'm sure JC Penny's is always looking for catalogue models."

Derek stood from his seat and clutched the stem of his martini glass tightly. "Look, I don't think this is the appropriate time to be fighting," he gritted his teeth. "Not after I've just given the eugoogalee of my best friends. It's unrespectworthy to Rufus, Brint and Meekus, okay?" He glanced around the room quickly, looking for Maury. Maury could get him out of this. But he couldn't find him anywhere in the crowded room.

"You mean eulogy?" Hansel laughed and took a sip of his own drink.

Derek shook his head angrily. "No, you dimwit. Eugoogalee. _Gawd_." Hansel was really an idiot.

But Hansel only laughed again. "Whatever, man. Good luck finding your answers. I recommend base jumping. One time I jumped from the Petronas Towers in Kuala Lumpur and it totally cleared my head." He stopped talking and got a faraway look in his eyes. "Or maybe that was all the absinthe we'd had in Munich."

Derek rolled his eyes. Not only was he really, really ridiculously good looking - he was irritating, too. "See you, Han-stupid," Derek grabbed his jacket from the couch and walked away. This party was getting lame.

*

_A week or so later..._

Derek couldn't believe his bad luck. Not only was he supposedly under some sort of mind control auditorical-whatee thing, but now he was on his way to Hansel's apartment. He was so mad. First he was at a day spa. Which apparently was a week spa, which made no sense. No one ever heard of a week spa. And _then_ Matilda had wanted to fool around. Then she didn't. Stupid investigatory journalists.

And now he was in her car - a _sedan!_ \- and they had just left a cemetery and J.P. Prewitt had really let himself go. Maybe he could get him in touch with Maury...

But wait! Maury was in on this...this bad brain thing. He was trying to get him to kill the Prime Minister of Propecia. Which was why he had to go to Han-suckface's place.

And even worse than all of that, his crotch still hurt from the walk-off.

*

_Six hours later..._

Derek wasn't exactly sure what was in that tea, but he knew that he liked it. He liked it a lot. Stretching out his body lazily, he reclined on Hansel's big bed. Matilda was already asleep, the two Finnish dwarves wrapped around her naked body. She looked pretty like that. Peaceful.

He turned over and faced Hansel, also still naked and lying on the bed. "I guess we're like, friends now," he whispered, careful not to wake the others.

Hansel smiled sleepily at him. "Looks like we are." He leaned in and gave Derek another long kiss. Derek kissed him back, slowly slipping his tongue into Hansel's mouth. He tasted like the special tea.

It was strange how things seemed to work out, Derek thought. He had hated Hansel. Hated him like, a lot. And now he not only didn't hate him anymore - he kind of _liked_ him. He certainly liked the way Hansel kissed him, that was for sure. He scooted his body closer to Hansel's on the bed, pressing up against him.

"I'm sorry I called you Han-solo," Derek whispered, curling his body around Hansel's tall form.

"I'm sorry I called you Derek Zooloser," Hansel whispered back, moving his head down to kiss at Derek's neck.

Derek pulled away. "You never called me that."

Hansel gave a cocky grin. "Maybe not to your face, amigo"

The both laughed. Hansel moved his hands lower down Derek's back, pressing their hips together more tightly and Derek groaned. "I'm tired, Hansel. And we have to figure out what to do about the Prime Minister of Micronesia."

"I can have Ennui make us some of her special green tea," Hansel suggested. "She learned how to make it when we were kayaking in Lanai."

Derek pulled away. "Okay," he agreed, smiling. "And then we have to sleep."

Hansel smiled back. "Only after you show me how you can dere-lick your own balls."

end.

 

 

 


End file.
